Tag Archives: avoidance

Take the teacher, not the course

10 Feb

I wrote this before the term started:

One of the biggest reasons that I hate splitting a series of coursework is that you’re fighting at least three things: time, methodology, and instructor. Taking a year gap in my 130 coursework was not the plan, especially since it means picking up with a different instructor (not bad, just different–different generation => different tactics) but it is what it is. The good: all the instructors (former and current) know who I am and I’ve been keeping in touch which means I’m not in a vacuum–if I need help I’ll have it. The bad: I’m picking this up in the second half of the series which means I’m expected to know the material from the first half (information that everybody else in the class has freshly imprinted on their minds.) The ugly: Changing instructors means changing texts… My old text did things in a “reverse” order from the common presentation. Specifically, we jumped right into epsilon delta proofs and continuity arguments whereas almost everybody else and their mother starts with sequences and series, compactness, and subsequential limit points.

It’s going to be an adjustment and I will have my difficulties fighting this material. But call me an optimist–I think I can do this.

I was an idiot, and I was ignoring so many signs. Including the ones I couldn’t have foreseen.  Continue reading

This little piggy went to market.

7 Dec

Or she should’ve. The house has no foodstuffs in it right now and that’s becoming a problem. I’ve entrusted my dad to do the grocery shopping, but he’s a lifelong bachelor who still eats like a little kid with a militant vegetable aversion. It’s just unhealthy and I refuse to eat crap all the time. This does mean, however, that on occasion I will have to go to the store, like an adult capable of feeding herself, and purchase my own edibles. And therein lies the root of my monster right now: I do not do well in the supermarket. Continue reading

Dropping resistance to the ohm.

3 Nov

One of the more difficult things in this therapy so far is managing time for meditation. It’s not that it’s a big demand. 30 minutes a day is hardly a lifetime. But it’s rare that I sit perfectly still for that long with a quiet mind. My mind chatter is incessant, and it’s a pretty loquacious entity. However, that’s an excuse. There is no wrong way to meditate and even practiced meditators experience thoughts during a period of deep meditation. The point of this is not to be perfect at not thinking whatsoever, but to acknowledge and accept the “imperfections” in my practice. They are my reality, and in becoming aware of this, being able to come back to center focus plays a critical role in my well being. Still,I find myself pushing it aside.   Continue reading

Screaming Carpets and Dropping the Bass

27 Oct

Long-term vertigo tends to be associated with anxiety and panic disorder. And that makes sense, right? You’re constantly disoriented. It’s like you live in this world very similar to the one you’ve always known but slightly time or space shifted from it. It’s a pretty natural reaction to panic. The worst panic attacks I’ve had occur in the middle of grocery stores, or really any shopping experience with lack of windows, aisles of product, and fluorescent lighting. Advertising is like my worst enemy–it’s a backhanded insult to my visual perception which is what I mostly rely on when I can’t trust my balance. Ironically, advertising makes me want to shop less. Haha, consumerism. Haha.

Anxiety attacks are awful, yet over the last few months, anxiety has taken a back seat to complacent numbness which may be worse still. Continue reading