Caffeine! Why hast thou forsaken me?

30 Oct

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a productive human being in possession of any obligation whatsoever must be in want of a good cup o’ joe. Hell, who am I kidding? I’d settle for leftover instant sludge at this point. Nearly any person even mildly acquainted with me over the past few months knows that I’ve been slowly and reluctantly laboring to systematically eliminate caffeine from my diet for this study. And I knew it would be hard.

I don’t touch the central nervous system meds (e.g Valium, Dramamine  Antivert) because they either don’t work or they kill my cognitive process. And I love my cognitive process. So stopping the “numb me to the world” drugs–no worries. Even the alcohol is a breeze for me; I don’t particularly enjoy drinking, so how can you miss something for which you never really had an affinity? But the caffeine… C8H10N4O2, my life force! My proto-fluid, my liquid jolt, my inspiration, my desperate love affair with Juan Valdez…  Oh, that’s a low blow. And it’s not just coffee, either. It’s tea, and worse still chocolate. I feel like this is in violation of the Geneva Convention or something because forcing me to abstain from chocolate? I mean, that’s my right as a female. And I love dark chocolate with an ardent passion that makes people stare awkwardly and ask if I need a minute. The darker the better–I will shamelessly revel in the gritty riches of a bar containing 99% cacao with no regrets. Chocolate is my kryptonite; give me high quality chocolate and I’ll probably love you forever. To take that away? It’s torture.

But I do it, and I do it willingly because this is what’s expected. I’m not about to trash two years of waiting because I can’t hold it together. I nearly fell of the wagon yesterday when a friend’s mom generously brought me a 2-pack of Reese’s (for which I am still ever so grateful) and I nearly fell to my knees screaming “Why, god why?” when I remembered that the reason I love that candy so is because its peanut buttery goodness is lovingly enveloped in a silky curtain of chocolate, but I still kept my word. For the next 9 weeks, no caffeinated product shall knowingly cross these lips. The world may crumble into a cavernous pit of my own destruction in the process, but I am that committed to dealing with this the right way.

All sarcasm aside, I really don’t know that my caffeine consumption affects the vertigo all that much. So far I don’t notice a difference in the spin factor that has become my life. However I do notice that I’m more aware of what I eat and drink because of this, and if nothing else, that’s contributing to my living in the moment. It’s good practice, and I’m more aware now than ever before of how much crap I usually consume because I just don’t pay attention. I’ve finally come to that point where I’m ready to acknowledge that my body really needs this. So, goodbye for now, chocolate. I know that we will meet again someday, but know that this time apart can only make my affection for you that much stronger.

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